A Survival Guide to the Rapture (in case you are left behind)
Y’all better get your life in order because according to this 89 year-old prophet, Doomsday is (once again) upon us! In fact, it’s happening TOMORROW, May 21, 2011.
What does this mean? It means that in case you’re left behind, you’re gonna need a pretty hefty contingency plan to hold you over until you can join the rest of us in heaven, the hard way. (Spoiler alert: a guillotine may be involved here but trust me, it’s better than the other eternal option.)
Because I am a loving, compassionate and helpful person, I thought I’d leave a basic survivors guide for those of you who missed the initial wave of beam-ups. <hit the chorus of “Rocketeer” by Far East Movement here>
Here’s what you need to know. Follow these instructions carefully and you’ll be alright:
1. Say No to the Tattoo
There’s gonna be this world-wide campaign to centralize and distribute resources like food, gas, and water. It’s going to sound a lot like communism except the way Oprah explains it to you on her new Global Television Network will make it seem like it’s actually going to work. Everyone in her studio audience (as well as the entire world) will receive a special bar-code tattoo and will begin to receive everything for free! How can this be a bad thing, you ask? Trust me on this one. Say no to the tattoo. If you want a second chance at heaven, say no to the tattoo and follow the rest of my instructions.
2. You Will Eventually Need a Hiding Place
The officials who come knocking on your door daily to offer you the barcode tattoo will one day stop being so nice and you will eventually realize that you don’t have a choice. Before it gets to that point, find a good hiding spot that will shield you from the onslaught of destruction as well as provide you with daily nutrients and entertainment. The only such place that exists on earth is Costco.
First of all, every single Costco is built like an above-ground bomb shelter. You will be safe from any and all missile and grenade attacks, especially if you’re able to locate where Bruno Mars plans to finally make good on his promise to his ungrateful girlfriend. Secondly and most importantly, you will have all the food you will ever need at your finger tips. During normal business hours, hit up the free samples to hold you over until it’s closing time. When the staff starts wrapping things up, climb into one of those tree-house/swing-set things that they have constructed on display and wait till the lights are out. Once everyone is gone, you can use the grills to cook up the endless slabs of meat (I recommend the tri-tip), you can play some X-Box Kinect on the latest Samsung 3D LCD, and you have all the Kirkland bathroom tissue you will ever need. You are set. For a little while. You’re going to need to find some people . . .
3. Find a Member of the “Remnant” (or whatever they will call themselves)
You might need to go on Twitter and search #POTSC to find out who was intentionally left on earth by God to help people find their way to heaven, second-chance style. These people will help you navigate your way to the promised land, even as the world around you is crashing and free food is being distributed like a never-ending Karl Marx tribute. They will explain to you why you were left behind, why the bar code tattoo needs to be avoided, what you need to do to join the rest of us, and why there are still Televangelists on TV every late-night.
4. Get Ready to Die
This is the part I warned you about but if you follow through to the end, you’ll be able to party like it’s 1999 in year 0001, and year 0001 in 1999. It’s gonna be awesome.
For a little while after the rapture, everything’s gonna seem cool and there will be parties and rumors of world-wide peace. Whatever Steve Jobs tells you at this time, however, will only be short-lasting and a little deceptive. The period where it gets crazy and violent will be the true test. You can endure this time of “trials and tribulations” and do whatever it takes by hopping from Costco to Costco but eventually, the barcode tattoo artists are going to find you. It’s gonna get pretty intense and they’re gonna be like, “Dude, it’s either the tattoo or your head, man.”
You’re gonna say “that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think? Just take a finger and let’s call it even.”
To which they’ll say, “shut-up, man. What will it be?”
At that point, you look them in the eye and say, “this world has nothing for me, homies. Take my head.”
Now, that’s gangsta. And that’s how you survive life during and after the rapture.
What other survival tips can you think of?
My Simple Guide to City Life
There is something about the City that I love. My wife is a secluded beach person, which is super nice, but I’m all about the energy and vitality of a city. This includes the heavy flow of people, cars, and street vendors along with the pollution, constant noise and crazy people. I feel more connected to the world in a city.
On a bit of a side note, my friend here told me of a time when he accidentally came across a gathering of homosexual “little people” in the entrance of a subway station. Seems it was a tweet-up of sorts. Extremely random, extremely city.
We have spent most of our lives in suburbs but more recently had the chance to spend nearly 2 years in Bangkok and currently living in Mexico City for an extended period as well. We have also visited Seoul, Hong Kong, Singapore, London, and my favorite city of all time, New freakin’ York. I’m picking up a thing or two about city life and thought I’d make a short guide to living in the City… any city.
- Enjoy the Food – almost every major city in the world has some of the best food you’ll ever eat. Hidden gems and local favorites that are as unique and hard to come by as the low-price airfaire you’d hope to find to get there.
- Make Your Presence Known – not in an obnoxious American way but in a respectful, friendly foreigner sort of way. I can’t speak Spanish very well but I routinely say hello (or rather, “buenos dias”) to about 8 people every morning on my way to drop my kid off at school. These are the folks right outside of my apartment as well as the caretaker within my building. In small conversations here and there, I have been able to learn more about life in my city and I do believe that I am establishing trust with each interaction. It’s hard to imagine that these friends and acquaintances of mine wouldn’t stick up for me if anyone ever tried to punk me… not that I wouldn’t be able to defend myself. Ahem…
- Public Transportation is Your Friend – it’s not always the most comfortable or glamorous way to get around but it’s what most of the “normal” people in your city use to get around. It’s also a great way to get a little pulse of the mood or disposition within a city. Something I see every day is just how extremely exhausted the people are from working abnormal (by most standards) hours in order to support their families. It is also not rare to see many downtrodden faces. Pain exists everywhere and you can see this first-hand whenever you choose to board the bus or train.
- Expect Craziness – something that just about every single major city has in common is its share of craziness. There’s the natural chaos and madness of heavy traffic and the daily hustle & bustle, but there’s also a plethora of people suffering from mental illness and/or drug use. We have a guy who hangs out near our apartment who is strung out 90% of the time we see him. He stands directly in front of us sometimes without saying a word but as soon as we greet him, it’s all good. He seems creepy but I have learned he is harmless. I’m embracing the craziness.
- Yes, Leave Your Home Without It – I never carry my credit and debit cards around with me unless I need them for something specific. This is just in case some daring guy chooses to mug me despite my menacing exterior. Along the same lines, I don’t carry too much cash either but if for some reason I need to, I put the dinero in my pocket. As long as the brave mugger doesn’t feel me up, he’ll never know about the cash that’s not in my wallet.
- Figure Out Your Routes Beforehand – Nothing says, “here i am, take advantage of me!” like a dude with a map in hand and a camera around his neck. I try to be very intentional about looking like I know what I’m doing and where I’m going, especially when I’m by myself. This is achieved by figuring out my basic subway routes before I leave the house and walking with a humble swagger. Sounds like an oxy-moronic move? Yes, but it’s possible.
- Take Notice of the World in Front of You – the City gives you access to the hurting and destitute in ways that suburbs cannot. Not to say pain and brokenness do not exist in the suburbs, they’re just more hidden. The opportunities to give and serve are literally staring you in the face as you walk the streets of the cities and there is a profound duality of privilege and burden at play here as we witness the needs of the world at our feet. What will you do when you come face to face with this reality?
Hope you find this helpful as you think about your favorite or current city.
What are some other helpful thoughts you have in regards to city living (or visiting)?
Recent Comments